If you are a child (or disillusioned adult) reading this, I would like to warn you ahead of time that I am about to dispel a popular myth. It is for your own good that I write this.
It has come to my attention that you, my children, believe in a magical item that just does not exist. I believe in letting children be children and we believe in many things in our house. The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the fairies who live in our woods are all welcome, and their right to exist defended, in our home. But I can not let this one belief go on for one minute more.
Brace yourself everyone. There is no such thing as the magical, self-refilling, toilet paper roll. I know that this is hard for you to believe and you are rolling your eyes at me like you always do, but it just does not exist. I can only conclude that you fully believe in its existence because none of you ever put a new roll of toilet paper on.
I have seen the impatience and looks of frustration on your faces as I yell at you through the bathroom door to go get me some toilet paper from the closet. I know that in your mind, you are telling me to just sit and wait patiently and the roll will magically appear on the wall next to me. All those times that you left the bathroom with the toilet paper roll empty, and returned to find it full again, it was me. I did it, not magic and not a house fairy (they don't like toilets).
When you are ready to accept this truth we can have a lesson on how to do this yourself. I implore you to please come to me so we can have a heartfelt discussion about this. If you do not learn this life skill soon, you will be stuck in your own apartment some day without toilet paper near by. And remember, I do this because I love you.
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